The week on the edge

This week has been tough, for many reasons, to which I wont explain or go into. It’s been a long hard tough one, let’s just say that. Have you ever walked around and not seen a face you no or can talk too? That’s how my life feels where I live, I literally have no one to turn too, I’m just here alone working on a contract and have been for sometime.

So I have had some issues with a person and its bought me to my knees, like literally I felt horrendous. I walked the local Mall on Tuesday afternoon searching for a friend, someone to talk to, grab a beer and go over it, anyone would have done and there I stood and I didn’t see a face I knew. ALONE!! That’s truly how I felt, just alone. I stood there and wondered whats the point, why bother anymore. Valhalla seemed like the best possible answer. To dine with the gods and just be free of hurt and pain, to stand next to Freyja and feel her love or have Odin give me his wisdom.

Freyja – Goddess of gold (Image copyright of owner)

I actually thought about it for maybe 15 mins, how much nicer would that be, to finally feel some peace, no more pain and no more hurt. I was consumed by this thought of actually taking my own life just to let the pain and hurt go away. Valhalla seemed a better option and then something happened, something remarkable. My phone buzzed, and I had an instagram message, from a Norwegian lady I have never met or spoken too. I post the odd Asatru post but not many but I do hashtag #Viking often, so how and why she reached out i’m not sure, but what she did snapped me out of it and made me think the gods were watching.

The message read “May Odin grant you wisdom, Thor Protect you and Freyja show you love xxx”, At that moment the relief was unreal, a smile drifted across my face and I felt a sprint in my step. These past few days since have been positive, they have been full of smiles and I feel more focused on my goals. That moment I knew the gods were watching, in my darkest moment I needed something and they delivered. Many may call it coincidence me I call it divine and my gods watch over me.

Life lessons

Its very easy to get lost in yourself and also lose the ability to find solace and advice from your belief system. Sometimes life just takes over, it just does and I wish sometimes I could take step back and survey the field a little, ask advice from others, or the gods if you’re that way inclined. When something hurts we lash out, or we make snap judgement calls that at that moment just feels right. It feels like the best thing to do. I myself am a massive culprit of this character trait, and all it gets me is regret or a self loathing that simply doesn’t help me or the person in the situation.

I often wonder how the gods would deal with such things, how would Odin manage a situation where it’s full of hurt? How would Freyja? and sometimes I even find myself looking to Loki. I wonder how if at that moment a god has simply snapped or lashed out, or is it just part of the human condition? Today as I write this my soulmate is flying home, but we didn’t part on a perfectly, it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great, I said some things through fear and through being selfish, Loki must have played a part in this and tears had flown. I will see her again and I miss her but now I sit full of regret waiting for her to land to tell her how sorry I am and that I miss her.

Loki – The Trickster God

Why as human’s do we lash out? Why cant we just sit and wait a second before making snap choices. It’s something I need to learn and something I need to spend time working on, with the help and guidance from the gods its something I want to change in myself. Life I have noticed is just full of lessons and i hope one day I will learn enough to know what it means to be human and treat everyone the same.

My First Encounter!

So it all began last year, June 2018 to be precise. I’d had an up and down life since this moment; some joyful fun times and some very dark days, full of all the things most people go through in life. I had two kids from two different woman, one of which I did see and one of which I didn’t, I had a just came out of a six year marriage and quite simply was a little lost in what I wanted to do moving forward. Now I am a software developer, which I do enjoy very much! It’s one of my biggest achievements in life and to this very day I’m happy with that. I’ve always felt something missing, and always felt like I had a purpose or simply to see something beyond my normal everyday 3d world life.

Anyway, back to June! So it rolls around and I find myself through a set of circumstances in the The Collage of Psychic Studies, London. A nice midday meditation to sooth the soul is always cool, right? So I climb up this old set of stairs to a very large attic space in this three story large- I’d say Edwardian town house. Images of past occupants and students hang from the wall, and the hand rails have managed to lose their brown color over the years. The walls could use a lick of paint here and there, including the peeling ceilings which, really do give you a sense of how old this building is. So I climb stair after stair up a narrow corridor and then hit this room which has caused my body energy to change, I felt a shiver down my spine and the hairs on my arms stand to attention! To say I didn’t feel right was a HUGE understatement, I felt very anxious and uneasy but I went with it. I steadied myself and took a breath and sat in a room full of chairs, a few ladies sat to my right and I managed to snag one by the door, just incase.

Then I heard it, “GET OUT!!!!!” in the lowest male voice, booming in my ear. I looked around searching for where it came from, my eyes darting left to right, up and down trying to find the males voice. “GET OUT NOW!!!” there it was again, I couldn’t compute it, my brain was in a frenzy and I couldn’t see were the shouting was coming from, I had to leave. I had to get out and run, that’s exactly what I did as fast as I could out of the door. But I am a man of science (or so I thought), I needed to see were the shouting came from and in my head I just kept telling myself there must be a room next to the one I was in and figured two people were arguing in it. So that was my first stop, I rounded the corner to be greeted by a toilet, and yep that was it; that was all I could see a wonderful ceramic loo with a lovely pull chain flush and I must say a lack of paper!

I walked back past the room I had so quickly left and gazed in for a few seconds, their sat at the back of a room was a rounded gentleman at a desk. Pen in hand and paper to write on, pointing at something. He dressed strange, and I have not seen a desk like that… ever. The papers to his left lifted as high as his neck and his white beard hung low with a brownish tinge to the moustache, which I assume was due to smoking. He sat very proud and very stern in his posture; as I viewed him for a moment I noticed not a single person in the room paid any attention to him, like he wasn’t there. They all had their eyes closed meditating, humming, and being in that moment. “GET OUT NOW!!!” one more time from the man at the desk and again no one in the room flinched and that was my cue! My legs haven’t moved that quick in 20 years, I raced down the stairs to the book room, took a seat as my body returned to a normal state and just continued to sit.

Once upon a time…

I guess I always felt some weird connection to the gods, from a young age I would always look up at a thunderstorm and claim it to be Thor beating his mighty hammer or looking out over the horizon; while feeling a sense of loneliness or a longing that Odin must have felt when he hung from the tree. I remember my ex-partner was insanely scared of thunder, so much so she managed to turn my dogs the same, and every time the thunder hit and they would run for the safety of the bed I used the same line, ‘It’s just Thor’.

See I never felt quite complete, like something was missing. I have had a very up and down life with many trials and tribulations, some very simple and some of my own doing but it has never been easy or just plain sailing. I have fought much in my time, anxiety, depression and health issues but I always felt like I had a hand on my shoulder, or someone telling me it’s going to be ok and to just keep going and that’s exactly what I did.

Up until a few months ago, I was a science man, the big bang, a moment in time and all that. I never believed in a higher power or a god, I was logical in my approach to life and that this is it, the time we have on this planet is the only one we get and the try and make the most of it. Never did I believe I had down this before and I was a simple chemical reaction on a planet just lucky enough to harbor life. It’s a very solid belief system and sometimes I wonder if its true but then there are times I remember the feelings I now get.

As a small child I felt things, things that today make sense but back then I never really understood or wanted too. You know those feelings of being in a room and thinking I’m not alone. I can recall waking up every night Monday to Friday and seeing a shadowy figure climbing the stairs. I would hide under my pillow until he reached his destination and then when the coast was clear I would call for my Mum or my brother with whom I shared a room. I could walk into a room and feel someone with me and my eyes would dart around trying to find where or what was joining me. But as I got older I switched it off, my mind became full of getting older, Girls, Jobs, Partying and the future and to be honest I never looked back on those days until very recently.

We do not bend the knee in supplication to the gods and goddesses. Nor do we beg them to do for us; rather we ask them to empower us to do for ourselves. We neither need nor ask for our god’s forgiveness. We were not born into sin. We were born to be the best we can be…

The Journey Begins

It’s hard this day in age to be different which is kind of acceptable yet still, we have stigma’s attached to certain area’s, including how we live and what kind of things we believe in; unless you have modern views on certain things you can be deemed crazy or living in a fairy tale. Though as I sit here and type this very blog I can feel how much more powerful and fulfilling my life has become by accepting the old ways. Looking back to our ancestors and finding how they lived their lives, seeing how they looked to the skies and allowed the full moon or the thunderstorm to dictate how they went about their normal routines.

In Norse mythology, Freyja (/ˈfreɪə/; Old Norse for “(the) Lady”) is a goddess associated with war, death, love, sex, beauty, fertility, gold, and seiðr.

Finding solace in the old ways is something I have decided after much studying and talking to do, to take a leap of faith quite literally into the loving arms of Freyja (I’ll explain more on this later). I have found the teachings of the old times to be logical and even more than that, a help to fighting modern-day craziness. I won’t explain fully until much further down the road how I came to find the Norse Traditions but right now we can just say it was a little bit weird.

Should you wish to rush ahead in this tale as I’m part an of Podcast crew which you can find here. But please bare with me whilst I explain how this road I’m traveling came about and how I found peace in the presence of Thor and allowed Odin to guide my hand.

I promise this will all come and for many of you, I promise you will think I’m going crazy(I did for some time). But for others, it will hopefully be a source of information and how you too, can take a road that is fulfilling and peaceful but most of all logical.